Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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