Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
