eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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