also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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