As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
