I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
