Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
