you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
