the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
