U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
