I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
