Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
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HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
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My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize