I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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