Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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