i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
