You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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