I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
