I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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