i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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