So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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