dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
