Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.