A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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