So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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