I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair