i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
