To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
