I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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