I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
