I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
