Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
