he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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