Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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