Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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