I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
