Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
