she looked like the before picture.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
