Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
