i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
