i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
