y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
