I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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