i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think I won the penis lottery.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
