sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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