Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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