I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
