I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
