Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
