There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
