Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
