I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She told me I should be a condom model.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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