ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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