the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
