His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
