My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
