this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
