Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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