she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
