mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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