there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
