I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
