pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
