i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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