I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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